Wednesday, March 23, 2011
So It's Been Forever ...
... and there are a few reasons for that ... one is that nobody was really reading this blog lol ... but also I've been busy ... I'm officially down 14.5 pounds ... and that last 1/2 pound to that 15 pound mile marker is being kind of stubborn .... I have been doing well on the eating end ... on the exercising end not so much .... mostly because of things out of my control ... like hurting the bottom of my foot ... pretty bad ... was a week or so ago and it still hurts like hell just to walk, so doing actual exercise isn't happening right now outside of waving my arms around ... (I wonder how many calories I burn typing everyday? lol) .... anyway ... I am doing well ... I do have more to blog about here ... but for now I figured I would just drop a quick update! :)
Friday, February 11, 2011
One Week Down ...
Okay, okay, so this accountability thing isn't going very well ... instead of being on here every day it's been a while ...
At the one week mark (which was four days ago) ... I had lost 4 pounds and 4.5 inches ...mostly from my chest ... why does it have to be that way? Of all the places to lose weight first ... why go for the one I want to keep?
I have faced a lot of challenges these first 10 days and have been very proud of myself for the way I have handled them. I will tell you that as I'm halfway through week 2 I do continue to be successful and am definitely on track to lose my goal weight in goal time.
At the one week mark (which was four days ago) ... I had lost 4 pounds and 4.5 inches ...mostly from my chest ... why does it have to be that way? Of all the places to lose weight first ... why go for the one I want to keep?
I have faced a lot of challenges these first 10 days and have been very proud of myself for the way I have handled them. I will tell you that as I'm halfway through week 2 I do continue to be successful and am definitely on track to lose my goal weight in goal time.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Happy Growling ...
I've been spreading out my food into small meals during the day; usually 6, sometimes more ... so I never really feel hungry, sometimes I feel satisfied, but I never really feel hungry ... except in the middle of the night.
The last few nights I've woken up in the middle of the night and my stomach has been growling ... but it makes me happy ... I go back to something I saw on Oprah a while back, yeah, yeah Oprah ... she had a doctor on talking about weight loss and he said that it's a good thing when your stomach is growling because that means you're burning fat ... so to wake up in the middle of the night and hear the happy growling of my stomach ... makes me smile and lets me go back to sleep ... because that means I'm burning fat ... while I sleep ... and that my friends ... makes me happy ...
The last few nights I've woken up in the middle of the night and my stomach has been growling ... but it makes me happy ... I go back to something I saw on Oprah a while back, yeah, yeah Oprah ... she had a doctor on talking about weight loss and he said that it's a good thing when your stomach is growling because that means you're burning fat ... so to wake up in the middle of the night and hear the happy growling of my stomach ... makes me smile and lets me go back to sleep ... because that means I'm burning fat ... while I sleep ... and that my friends ... makes me happy ...
The Yo-Yo Effect ...
So first off I apologize, I meant to write every day, but I have been sick again and had sick kids at home .. and well yeah ...
For those of you actually following my progress on my graph, you'll notice that I am making progress which is good, the first day was the most successful so far but four days in and I'm still consistently losing weight ... which is good.
The biggest concern for most "dieters" is the yo-yo effect ... this is actually something that I have done three times, although many women have done it much more than that. I do know that pregnancy played a role in my weight gain, however, after I had my son (my third and last child), I did lose all but 5 pounds I gained while pregnant with him ... and I lost it fast ... by the time he was 4 months old I had lost almost 60 pounds from my weigh - in at the hospital the day I was induced, I know some of that was actual baby, etc., but I did lose most of it. Then I started working retail ... I thought that would help ... the walking all over the store the running to the backroom and back, etc., but the food court, including Starbucks, was killer ... I gained around 40 pounds in the first year I worked in retail. A co-worker and I joined weight watchers, I lost 30 pounds and then plateaued, she stopped going to meetings, so I stopped ... and sure enough gained those 30 pounds back ... then a couple years ago, in early 2008, I was very motivated, bound and determined to lose weight ... I lost that 30 pounds, and then started my divorce process and lost another 20 ... I was at a lower weight than I was when I became pregnant with kid #3 ... and then I went through a lot of stress, some of the hardest months of my life ... and gained 40 pounds in less than a year ... I kind of went up and down in a ten pound range around there since.
So, now I'm serious about this, and I don't want to yo-yo ... that's the last thing I want ... I want whatever I do this time to be permanent ... there is a "trick" that I didn't follow before that I will try to this time ... it's simple ... get rid of your fat clothes ... don't make that an option ... don't make gaining weight even be a thought in your head ...
I am kind of proud of myself today ... I had a very stressful situation come up ... and within minutes my mom called and asked if I wanted Good Times ... it would have been easy for me to say, "sure, I'll have my usual" ... but I didn't ... I did get a grilled chicken sandwich, but no fries ... so through the stress and the temptation I stayed strong ... so now I need to just keep that up for a few weeks and then months and then we'll really be getting somewhere ...
For those of you actually following my progress on my graph, you'll notice that I am making progress which is good, the first day was the most successful so far but four days in and I'm still consistently losing weight ... which is good.
The biggest concern for most "dieters" is the yo-yo effect ... this is actually something that I have done three times, although many women have done it much more than that. I do know that pregnancy played a role in my weight gain, however, after I had my son (my third and last child), I did lose all but 5 pounds I gained while pregnant with him ... and I lost it fast ... by the time he was 4 months old I had lost almost 60 pounds from my weigh - in at the hospital the day I was induced, I know some of that was actual baby, etc., but I did lose most of it. Then I started working retail ... I thought that would help ... the walking all over the store the running to the backroom and back, etc., but the food court, including Starbucks, was killer ... I gained around 40 pounds in the first year I worked in retail. A co-worker and I joined weight watchers, I lost 30 pounds and then plateaued, she stopped going to meetings, so I stopped ... and sure enough gained those 30 pounds back ... then a couple years ago, in early 2008, I was very motivated, bound and determined to lose weight ... I lost that 30 pounds, and then started my divorce process and lost another 20 ... I was at a lower weight than I was when I became pregnant with kid #3 ... and then I went through a lot of stress, some of the hardest months of my life ... and gained 40 pounds in less than a year ... I kind of went up and down in a ten pound range around there since.
So, now I'm serious about this, and I don't want to yo-yo ... that's the last thing I want ... I want whatever I do this time to be permanent ... there is a "trick" that I didn't follow before that I will try to this time ... it's simple ... get rid of your fat clothes ... don't make that an option ... don't make gaining weight even be a thought in your head ...
I am kind of proud of myself today ... I had a very stressful situation come up ... and within minutes my mom called and asked if I wanted Good Times ... it would have been easy for me to say, "sure, I'll have my usual" ... but I didn't ... I did get a grilled chicken sandwich, but no fries ... so through the stress and the temptation I stayed strong ... so now I need to just keep that up for a few weeks and then months and then we'll really be getting somewhere ...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Startling Revelation ...
First off, let me just say that this first day on this plan has been so far successful. I found out my kids will be home tomorrow as well, so the exercise portion is still on hold, maybe until next Monday, but baby steps are good. I have about three hours left in my normal waking hours and I barely hit my minimum calorie line, I have about 600 calories to go to hit my "goal calorie intake" ... so I have room for a snack or two ... it always amazes me how much more I eat when I'm on a diet ... and although I understand the science behind why that is, it really makes no sense to me ...
But I did take my measurements and have a starting weight ... my final goal is 113 pounds less than I am today ... but 92 pounds will take me back down to where I was when I became pregnant with kid #1 ... which was my initial goal, but I figure as long as I'm going I might as well go for that extra 21 pounds to get me to my ideal weight ...
I did have a startling revelation today though ... when I took my measurements I realized that my thigh measurement is what my waist measurement used to be ... so seriously, my leg could be a person ... that's not okay ... it was one of very few times in my "fat" life that I realized just how much damage I might have done to myself ... although when you think about it 113 pounds is a whole person, a short person, but still ... so that gave me more motivation ... I am happy that I decided to take measurements for several reasons ... because watching my progress in inches may be almost as rewarding as watching my progress in pounds ... and may help get me through some hurdles and plateaus ...
So, as much as I don't want to do this; to put sheer numbers on it ... my starting weight is 248 pounds ... and the total count of all my measurements in inches is 235.75 ... I will do my measurements once a week and I will weigh myself every time I'm on the Wii Fit, but once a week on the bathroom scale that I weighed in on today ...
If you look off to the right there is a link to my weight loss graph ... I will be keeping track on that as well so that I have a visual here on the blog for how much weight I've lost ...
But I did take my measurements and have a starting weight ... my final goal is 113 pounds less than I am today ... but 92 pounds will take me back down to where I was when I became pregnant with kid #1 ... which was my initial goal, but I figure as long as I'm going I might as well go for that extra 21 pounds to get me to my ideal weight ...
I did have a startling revelation today though ... when I took my measurements I realized that my thigh measurement is what my waist measurement used to be ... so seriously, my leg could be a person ... that's not okay ... it was one of very few times in my "fat" life that I realized just how much damage I might have done to myself ... although when you think about it 113 pounds is a whole person, a short person, but still ... so that gave me more motivation ... I am happy that I decided to take measurements for several reasons ... because watching my progress in inches may be almost as rewarding as watching my progress in pounds ... and may help get me through some hurdles and plateaus ...
So, as much as I don't want to do this; to put sheer numbers on it ... my starting weight is 248 pounds ... and the total count of all my measurements in inches is 235.75 ... I will do my measurements once a week and I will weigh myself every time I'm on the Wii Fit, but once a week on the bathroom scale that I weighed in on today ...
If you look off to the right there is a link to my weight loss graph ... I will be keeping track on that as well so that I have a visual here on the blog for how much weight I've lost ...
Monday, January 31, 2011
So It's Time To Get Started ....
Yes, my dear friends, it is time to get started on this journey ... I have been researching, planning, thinking, externalizing, internalizing, basically diving into this journey I'm about to dive into before I start it ... I am a planner; I've always been a planner ... I am also kind of a control freak, although I'm okay with not being in control as long as I've planned to not be in control, makes sense, I know.
Anyway, my plan was to embark upon a new journey tomorrow, well still is, but I am already looking at excuses to not do it, already have an "out" ... my kids have been sick and they're home ... I planned on starting this journey on February 1st because as my custody plan has it, my kids are supposed to be with their father for the bulk of February ... and then a list of unforeseen circumstances ... my ex-mother-in-law has been stricken by breast cancer (and please send good vibes her way, as the mother of a man I loved enough to marry and the grandmother of my children, even though I'm an out-law now, her illness adds a burden to my mind and my shoulders), she would normally watch the kids for my ex while he works when they are in his care; due to her condition and surgery this week; we swapped a few weeks, so I unexpectedly have the kids in my care for the first two weeks of this journey (something I was not expecting), then on top of that, they have been home sick, and now the school district canceled school for tomorrow, so on top of them just being in my care, they are here 24/7, no break with them going off to school etc., so while I'm not excusing myself completely from beginning my plan I did decide to re-work it a little to avoid failure. Maybe some would call it a failure to just not go through with the plan as originally thought out, but at least I'm not calling it altogether.
So, that all being said; here are the non-psychological road blocks I have to overcome ...
A) I don't eat enough (every time I go on a "diet" this is an issue ... some people don't understand, but the way the human metabolism is set up and the way I eat mean I'm destined for fat storage, or at least not to lose the fat I have .... some days I don't eat at all until 5 or 6 in the evening and then I usually binge a little bit, but basically I end up putting myself into a state of starvation which then causes my body to respond by storing any food that I take in)
B) I snack while I cook (you know the ends of the bread when you make garlic bread, you can't make garlic bread out of them so might as well put some butter on them and eat them while you're cooking; or for every plate of ravioli I serve up for my kids might as well eat a few myself; or my biggest downfall ... cheese ... when I slice cheese for any reason, I always end up eating about as much as I'm using, and then when I grate cheese I always eat that chunk at the end that is too small to grate)
C) I don't move enough (my life doesn't require much movement, I have to go out of my way to move enough to make a difference in my body fat percentage and muscle tone, nonetheless give my lungs and heart the exercise they need to stay "in shape")
Psychological road blocks I have to overcome ...
D) I am afraid of the positive reaction of becoming thin (this is described in depth in the blog my new journey ... I am afraid that I will react negatively tot he positive reaction)
E) I am afraid to "move" in any kind of way that can really be defined as "exercise" in front of people (this is part of why my kids being home as I begin this journey is a hindrance, I don't really want to start my exercise plan with their little eyes watching me)
F) I don't stand up for myself with other people when I'm trying to make myself healthier ... and then I blame them ... (this is a major one ... so I'm on a diet trying to lose weight and my boyfriend makes me a fried egg sandwich with bacon and cheese and mayonnaise on it ... well it would be rude to turn it down to not eat it ... so I have to eat it ... and then of course it's his fault that I ate it, not mine)
Some of you may be thinking there is something missing from this equation; comfort eating ... unless I am in heavy denial, this is not an issue for me I do sometimes eat out of boredom, and my mom often sucks me into her comfort eating (see what I did there ... go back to F ... blaming other people) ... but my mom is big on fast food, restaurants, bottles of wine, etc., when she is stressed out or unhappy, and I tend to be her eating buddy ... still in my control, but not my comfort ... I may through this journey decide that comfort eating is an issue for me, but at this point in time I don't see it at all ...
Here are my solutions ...
A) With the help of free calorie tracking software, that also offers calculators that tell you how few calories you can eat without doing that to your metabolism, and how many calories you can eat and still lose weight to meet a goal; I will begin watching my daily calorie intake for both ends of the spectrum ... and also I will make sure I eat breakfast, and try to eat five small meals a day, adjusting appropriately for things like eating larger dinners with my mom, my boyfriend, my kids, whatever the plan is for the day ... this plan starts tomorrow ...
B) I will take some measures to help prevent this (buying pre-sliced and pre-grated cheese, to start with), but I also need to just be aware, I have a few ideas in mind for this ... I can chew gum while I cook, which will keep my mouth busy, and usually I don't eat while I'm chewing gum ... I also can keep a bottle of water with me while I cook and just take a few sips of water instead of taste testing everything ... this will be one of my bigger will power issues ...
C) This is where I am compromising with myself (see point E) because my kids are home while I'm starting this; I have a series of plans when it comes to this; I have my Wii Fit, which several times I have used very consistently and then things happen like my son goes into the hospital, or my boyfriend comes to visit or a few other things that "make me" stop; I also have Zumba videos and Strip Aerobics videos ... these are important ... I know myself well enough to know that if what I'm doing isn't fun ... I won't do it ... unless I had a personal trainer yelling at me to not stop anyway ... Zumba and Strip Aerobics is fun ... it's like dancing ... I can handle that without just quitting ... and finally; weather permitting I will start walking to pick my kids up from school and when they are in their father's care I will go walk around a local lake, both of which are about a mile and a half ... I will probably make my walks further, but to start with, that's a good distance ... and I have my "upbeat" music already in a playlist ready to go on the iPod ...
D) This is where I will probably blog the most ... this is my most sabotaging part ... this is the psychological part of me that allows my failure ... the part I need to work through the most ... besides just being "lazy" and not wanting to get up and do things ...
E) This I also need to work through, although when my kids are in school this is not an obstacle that I can't work through, but I do need to learn how to overcome it rather than just work through or around it ...
F) First off I need to lay the ground rules with people from the start; so that I'm not stuck in that place where I feel like refusing makes me rude ... the adults I need to talk to the most are my mother and my boyfriend ... but I need to lay ground rules to start with .... that I am on a "diet" of sorts and need them to not assume that I will eat or want to eat foods they buy or prepare ... that I need to be in control of my own foods ... and then if they don't listen ... I need to have the strength and the will power to stand up for myself and the journey that I am on ...
So, tomorrow morning I will weigh myself and take full body measurements ... then I will begin this journey ... I will talk more about goals in my next post ... and where I'm coming from and where I'm going ... and why I'm here ... I plan on going with straight diet and exercise, but I have some things to help me as I hit plateaus along the way; the supplement Alli will find it's way into my plan when I hit my first plateau and then green tea extract pills when I hit my second ... I know you may be asking why not start those things all at once ... the reason is this ... every time I've started losing weight I always give up when I hit the plateaus; if I have something to get me over the road block of the plateau that I know will work, then I can't and won't stop there ... and also as I will get into when I talk about my goals; this isn't a race ... as much as I'd like to lose 40 pounds a month and be done in two - three months, I know that's neither healthy or realistic, so this isn't a race, this is about changing the way I live and taking a journey that will make it so I never end up back here ...
Anyway, my plan was to embark upon a new journey tomorrow, well still is, but I am already looking at excuses to not do it, already have an "out" ... my kids have been sick and they're home ... I planned on starting this journey on February 1st because as my custody plan has it, my kids are supposed to be with their father for the bulk of February ... and then a list of unforeseen circumstances ... my ex-mother-in-law has been stricken by breast cancer (and please send good vibes her way, as the mother of a man I loved enough to marry and the grandmother of my children, even though I'm an out-law now, her illness adds a burden to my mind and my shoulders), she would normally watch the kids for my ex while he works when they are in his care; due to her condition and surgery this week; we swapped a few weeks, so I unexpectedly have the kids in my care for the first two weeks of this journey (something I was not expecting), then on top of that, they have been home sick, and now the school district canceled school for tomorrow, so on top of them just being in my care, they are here 24/7, no break with them going off to school etc., so while I'm not excusing myself completely from beginning my plan I did decide to re-work it a little to avoid failure. Maybe some would call it a failure to just not go through with the plan as originally thought out, but at least I'm not calling it altogether.
So, that all being said; here are the non-psychological road blocks I have to overcome ...
A) I don't eat enough (every time I go on a "diet" this is an issue ... some people don't understand, but the way the human metabolism is set up and the way I eat mean I'm destined for fat storage, or at least not to lose the fat I have .... some days I don't eat at all until 5 or 6 in the evening and then I usually binge a little bit, but basically I end up putting myself into a state of starvation which then causes my body to respond by storing any food that I take in)
B) I snack while I cook (you know the ends of the bread when you make garlic bread, you can't make garlic bread out of them so might as well put some butter on them and eat them while you're cooking; or for every plate of ravioli I serve up for my kids might as well eat a few myself; or my biggest downfall ... cheese ... when I slice cheese for any reason, I always end up eating about as much as I'm using, and then when I grate cheese I always eat that chunk at the end that is too small to grate)
C) I don't move enough (my life doesn't require much movement, I have to go out of my way to move enough to make a difference in my body fat percentage and muscle tone, nonetheless give my lungs and heart the exercise they need to stay "in shape")
Psychological road blocks I have to overcome ...
D) I am afraid of the positive reaction of becoming thin (this is described in depth in the blog my new journey ... I am afraid that I will react negatively tot he positive reaction)
E) I am afraid to "move" in any kind of way that can really be defined as "exercise" in front of people (this is part of why my kids being home as I begin this journey is a hindrance, I don't really want to start my exercise plan with their little eyes watching me)
F) I don't stand up for myself with other people when I'm trying to make myself healthier ... and then I blame them ... (this is a major one ... so I'm on a diet trying to lose weight and my boyfriend makes me a fried egg sandwich with bacon and cheese and mayonnaise on it ... well it would be rude to turn it down to not eat it ... so I have to eat it ... and then of course it's his fault that I ate it, not mine)
Some of you may be thinking there is something missing from this equation; comfort eating ... unless I am in heavy denial, this is not an issue for me I do sometimes eat out of boredom, and my mom often sucks me into her comfort eating (see what I did there ... go back to F ... blaming other people) ... but my mom is big on fast food, restaurants, bottles of wine, etc., when she is stressed out or unhappy, and I tend to be her eating buddy ... still in my control, but not my comfort ... I may through this journey decide that comfort eating is an issue for me, but at this point in time I don't see it at all ...
Here are my solutions ...
A) With the help of free calorie tracking software, that also offers calculators that tell you how few calories you can eat without doing that to your metabolism, and how many calories you can eat and still lose weight to meet a goal; I will begin watching my daily calorie intake for both ends of the spectrum ... and also I will make sure I eat breakfast, and try to eat five small meals a day, adjusting appropriately for things like eating larger dinners with my mom, my boyfriend, my kids, whatever the plan is for the day ... this plan starts tomorrow ...
B) I will take some measures to help prevent this (buying pre-sliced and pre-grated cheese, to start with), but I also need to just be aware, I have a few ideas in mind for this ... I can chew gum while I cook, which will keep my mouth busy, and usually I don't eat while I'm chewing gum ... I also can keep a bottle of water with me while I cook and just take a few sips of water instead of taste testing everything ... this will be one of my bigger will power issues ...
C) This is where I am compromising with myself (see point E) because my kids are home while I'm starting this; I have a series of plans when it comes to this; I have my Wii Fit, which several times I have used very consistently and then things happen like my son goes into the hospital, or my boyfriend comes to visit or a few other things that "make me" stop; I also have Zumba videos and Strip Aerobics videos ... these are important ... I know myself well enough to know that if what I'm doing isn't fun ... I won't do it ... unless I had a personal trainer yelling at me to not stop anyway ... Zumba and Strip Aerobics is fun ... it's like dancing ... I can handle that without just quitting ... and finally; weather permitting I will start walking to pick my kids up from school and when they are in their father's care I will go walk around a local lake, both of which are about a mile and a half ... I will probably make my walks further, but to start with, that's a good distance ... and I have my "upbeat" music already in a playlist ready to go on the iPod ...
D) This is where I will probably blog the most ... this is my most sabotaging part ... this is the psychological part of me that allows my failure ... the part I need to work through the most ... besides just being "lazy" and not wanting to get up and do things ...
E) This I also need to work through, although when my kids are in school this is not an obstacle that I can't work through, but I do need to learn how to overcome it rather than just work through or around it ...
F) First off I need to lay the ground rules with people from the start; so that I'm not stuck in that place where I feel like refusing makes me rude ... the adults I need to talk to the most are my mother and my boyfriend ... but I need to lay ground rules to start with .... that I am on a "diet" of sorts and need them to not assume that I will eat or want to eat foods they buy or prepare ... that I need to be in control of my own foods ... and then if they don't listen ... I need to have the strength and the will power to stand up for myself and the journey that I am on ...
So, tomorrow morning I will weigh myself and take full body measurements ... then I will begin this journey ... I will talk more about goals in my next post ... and where I'm coming from and where I'm going ... and why I'm here ... I plan on going with straight diet and exercise, but I have some things to help me as I hit plateaus along the way; the supplement Alli will find it's way into my plan when I hit my first plateau and then green tea extract pills when I hit my second ... I know you may be asking why not start those things all at once ... the reason is this ... every time I've started losing weight I always give up when I hit the plateaus; if I have something to get me over the road block of the plateau that I know will work, then I can't and won't stop there ... and also as I will get into when I talk about my goals; this isn't a race ... as much as I'd like to lose 40 pounds a month and be done in two - three months, I know that's neither healthy or realistic, so this isn't a race, this is about changing the way I live and taking a journey that will make it so I never end up back here ...
My New Journey ...
This is a carbon copy of the post I wrote for my Diary of a Gamer Girl blog to let my readers know I was starting this new body image & weight loss blog and to let them know why ... so it made sense that this would be really my introductory post on this blog ...
So, from the very beginning of this little blog I've been writing I put "body image" in my description, although it's rarely to never something I've blogged about ... yet anyway ... but it is something that I probably should.
I'm taking a new weight loss/get fit journey, and I've started a new blog to help me on that road, to give me some accountability ... something that I think I need ... if you're not interested in reading it, that's fine, if you are, then feel free to do that as well ...
What I will tell you all on this blog is that body image is something I struggle with; and the thing is it's not just where I am now, it's actually a fear of being skinnier, being hotter, being a lot of things ... my ex-husband used to fear that, fear me being "hot" and actually admitted to me that he would try to sabotage my diet, that he would get mad at me for being successful, I guess he felt if I wasn't the perfect package that other guys wouldn't be interested and that gave him some security. For me, I have some fears in losing weight; the thing is I've been on both sides of this ... I've been the "hot girl" ... I've been the girl that could just make eye contact with someone in a bar or club and get them to come dance with me or talk to me, the girl that worked at an amusement park and got hit on once an hour on a slow day, I've been the girl that knew she could steal her friends' boyfriends, although (except that once) never did .... and then I had kidney surgery ... and I got pregnant ... damn those maternity clothes ... my whole life I had been pretty much able to stabilize my weight with my clothes, when I felt like my clothes were getting tight, I would diet for a couple weeks and all would be well, but when I had kidney surgery, I couldn't wear anything with a tight waist band for a few months, plus I wasn't very active post-surgery, I gained weight, I managed to lose almost all of that, and then I had babies ... and those maternity clothes, well, they're killer ... anyway, I now am about 90 pounds heavier than I was when I conceived my first child, 110 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from high school ... and I have dealt with the opposite end, I've dealt with the jokes, and the remarks, I've dealt with being at clubs and bars and hearing chubby chaser jokes and fat jokes ... so here is the thing ... now in some ways I'm afraid to go back ... because I'm afraid that I will be angry at the positive reaction ... I'm afraid that if guys start to notice me, I will just automatically think they're jerks, because they wouldn't have given me the time of day when I was fat ... I'm afraid of silly things like if my boyfriend touches me more, will I be pissed off at him and think he's being superficial ... but the thing is I'm not alone in those fears, many, many women have the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same fears ... because once you've been on this side of it ... and had all the positive attention pretty much go away ... to go back is to acknowledge a few things ... A) you had control of it, and chose not to use it ... B) the bulk of the world operates on a superficial level and it's just so wrong that you, as a person, can change nothing but your appearance and completely change the way the bulk of the world looks at you ... and C) you have to face your inner demons that is just like the rest of them, the part of you that is also superficial ... some of these fears have stopped me thus far from achieving my weight loss goals, along with other factors that I will dive into more in depth in my weight loss blog ... but regardless ... it is time for me to be healthy, to face those fears head on ... and honestly, to probably be a happier person on the other end ... if you want to join me in this journey you can follow my new blog here ... Killing My Inner Nutritional Overachiever & Dealing With Her Lazy Twin Sister Too ... the "plan" commences on February 1!!
So, from the very beginning of this little blog I've been writing I put "body image" in my description, although it's rarely to never something I've blogged about ... yet anyway ... but it is something that I probably should.
I'm taking a new weight loss/get fit journey, and I've started a new blog to help me on that road, to give me some accountability ... something that I think I need ... if you're not interested in reading it, that's fine, if you are, then feel free to do that as well ...
What I will tell you all on this blog is that body image is something I struggle with; and the thing is it's not just where I am now, it's actually a fear of being skinnier, being hotter, being a lot of things ... my ex-husband used to fear that, fear me being "hot" and actually admitted to me that he would try to sabotage my diet, that he would get mad at me for being successful, I guess he felt if I wasn't the perfect package that other guys wouldn't be interested and that gave him some security. For me, I have some fears in losing weight; the thing is I've been on both sides of this ... I've been the "hot girl" ... I've been the girl that could just make eye contact with someone in a bar or club and get them to come dance with me or talk to me, the girl that worked at an amusement park and got hit on once an hour on a slow day, I've been the girl that knew she could steal her friends' boyfriends, although (except that once) never did .... and then I had kidney surgery ... and I got pregnant ... damn those maternity clothes ... my whole life I had been pretty much able to stabilize my weight with my clothes, when I felt like my clothes were getting tight, I would diet for a couple weeks and all would be well, but when I had kidney surgery, I couldn't wear anything with a tight waist band for a few months, plus I wasn't very active post-surgery, I gained weight, I managed to lose almost all of that, and then I had babies ... and those maternity clothes, well, they're killer ... anyway, I now am about 90 pounds heavier than I was when I conceived my first child, 110 pounds heavier than I was when I graduated from high school ... and I have dealt with the opposite end, I've dealt with the jokes, and the remarks, I've dealt with being at clubs and bars and hearing chubby chaser jokes and fat jokes ... so here is the thing ... now in some ways I'm afraid to go back ... because I'm afraid that I will be angry at the positive reaction ... I'm afraid that if guys start to notice me, I will just automatically think they're jerks, because they wouldn't have given me the time of day when I was fat ... I'm afraid of silly things like if my boyfriend touches me more, will I be pissed off at him and think he's being superficial ... but the thing is I'm not alone in those fears, many, many women have the same thoughts, the same ideas, the same fears ... because once you've been on this side of it ... and had all the positive attention pretty much go away ... to go back is to acknowledge a few things ... A) you had control of it, and chose not to use it ... B) the bulk of the world operates on a superficial level and it's just so wrong that you, as a person, can change nothing but your appearance and completely change the way the bulk of the world looks at you ... and C) you have to face your inner demons that is just like the rest of them, the part of you that is also superficial ... some of these fears have stopped me thus far from achieving my weight loss goals, along with other factors that I will dive into more in depth in my weight loss blog ... but regardless ... it is time for me to be healthy, to face those fears head on ... and honestly, to probably be a happier person on the other end ... if you want to join me in this journey you can follow my new blog here ... Killing My Inner Nutritional Overachiever & Dealing With Her Lazy Twin Sister Too ... the "plan" commences on February 1!!
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